Why Suicide?

I finally realized something very important about how I think: when I am most rebellious, thoughts of suicide enter my head.

The first time I can remember is when I was in high school attending a youth group function. My mom and I had fought just before I attended this event. I left before resolving the conflict and the whole time I was out supposedly having fun I was miserable because I had disobeyed my mother by leaving before resolving the issue. By disobeying my mom, I was disobeying God. I sinned and felt so guilty I walked out onto the youth leaders balcony and thought about how easy it would be to jump off and fall the fifteen stories.

Then I thought about how afraid I would be half way through the fall and how much pain I would feel the moment before I hit the ground. I realized that I did not wish to go that way (and a friend happened to walk out onto the porch and we talked and the urge left.)

Another time I can remember is when I was teaching down in Modoc, IN. I was walking outside of God's will at the time because I was allowing the position to change me. God was fighting for me to allow Him to lead and not my boss and me. But I fought Him. I also kept thinking everday to and from work how easy it would be to crash my car into the telephone poles along the side of the rode.

Everytime the thought of the terror half way through the crash and the pain the instant before death (or injury--though I just assumed I'd die) made me stop. I avoid pain and terror like I avoid conflict--at all costs.

Tonight the thought of running into the opposing traffic came through my head for an instant. Instead of thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't I jumped straight to the questions: why am I thinking of this right now? I realized that it was because I have recently been rebellious at work.

I have allowed the instances of disorganization to make me bitter. I have started to become like those people I really don't like who constantly gossip about the evils of their job. I am in a ministry that has its struggles but also has its moments of glory. I work for and with humans who are beautiful by design but marred by sin.

I need to keep perspective. I need to pray. I need to seek God. I need to listen to Him. I need to focus on the Creator of all things, not my self-created statements. I need prayer; I need God; I need to listen to Him; I need to focus on Him.