God, Why Build Relationships?

Why do I have this need to relate to others? Why do I invest in friendships wherever I go? Why can't I just be a hermit--be "an island" that only worries about itself and takes care of itself without regard for those islands around it? Why do relationships have to hurt so much and take so much out of you while still putting so much into you? Why do I care about others?

I don't need anyone's answers to these questions because I intellectually know the answers. I was created to be in relationship with God and therefore with others. I enjoy being involved in other people's lives and getting to know them. I am not built to be a permanent hermit. Pain is a part of personal and relational growth. Care for others shows maturity.

Those are the pat, intellectual anwers, but they don't negate the very real emotional turmoil that occurs each time someone's island bumps into my own and makes a lasting positive impact upon my island. My person, my island, must look like the moon with its vast craters because so many people have bounced into my island and left a permanent imprint, but they are no longer bodily visible. The crater remains an echo of the body that once was involved with my life.

I am a cratered island.

The following is a list of other islands that have crashed into my island and made a lasting crater. I wish to acknowledge their impact and let it be remembered through all time. My craters have been made by Amy N, Timmy S, Trevor D, Nardeen F, Afsaneh A, Mary Lou G, Astha R, Poushali M, Jennifer M-L, Serena C, Rachel R-W, Diana S, Sanjna & Shalini T, Ruth dH, Renae T, Elizabeth M, Rebekah D-S, Kristen S, Rebecca V-M, Mandy W-C, Sarah K-S, Kristen N, Rachel O, April V, Dan P, Liz P, Elizabeth G, Katie MC, Erica, Joyce W, Sarah D, Joy B, Regan H, Sheryl & Brian B, Leslie S, Elissa B, Jesse K, Ian N, & Katie H. There are many more crater creating island people but I can't recall all of them.

I am a cratered island whose crater-causers often re-impress their imprint upon their craters (ie. I often cross paths with them unexpectedly). Sometimes I wish I weren't such an imprintable island but then I wouldn't be living and life is painful but well worth it.

Finding JOY (and PEACE)

This weekend has been awesome and its only half way through. I realize that I really am enjoying life and finding peace even when things around me seem to be crazy. It truly is odd.

Life is not easy right now. Work is highly stressful, finances are extra tight, church is struggling, and spiritual growth is painful. Even though none of this is "easy" I am still finding joy and peace. It is awesome.

Joy is the little smile from a depressed student as they understand an academic or life quandary; joy is a small child laughing after hurting herself because you pulled your hoody over your head and "hid"; joy is walking into a room and seeing your little sister has chosen to attend the same event as you without any foreknowledge; joy is walking to the mailbox to check it and running into two of your friends who later on need a place to eat their pizza and hang out (ie. your house!); joy is playing outside with some little girls and using your imagination to create a chalk castle on the driveway; and joy is helping a friend bake cookies by supplying music and conversation.

Joy is found in the little things, and when these little things are appreciated, peace comes, too. Peace is the assurance that finding joy in the little things amongst the tumult of life means that you are where you should be and God is truly using you. Both joy and peace are a blessing from God that you can choose to accept, or reject. Accepting these blessings allows for more to come!

Abuse vs. Self-Sacrifice

I have not had a whole lot of time to think recently because of multiple factors, but I have still had some time to think on the topic of abuse and self-sacrifice. My sister told me I seem to be used and abused frequently by others, and at times I feel this is true but at other times I think it is that I am sacrificing myself for another's good without expecting anything in return. I know, you probably think that is a bunch of rubbish but let me explain.

Abuse is a transitive verb. It therefore has a doer of the verb and a receiver of the verb. For example, take the transitive verb to teach in the sentence: I teach Crystal. I (the subject of the sentence) am doing the action (teaching). The action (teaching) is being done to Crystal. Crystal is the receiver of the transitive verb. Abuse is a transitive verb that means "to be used so as to injure, damage, or attack with word" (thank you Mirriam-Webster!) The thing is, you cannot be abused if you do not see the other persons actions as abuse.

Put another way, I refuse to allow myself to think that people are out to abuse me. They have their needs and sometimes I can meet those needs. When I can meet those needs, I will. That is part of being a Christian: self-sacrifice. "Turning the other cheek" is self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is a noun. It therefore is a person, place, thing, or idea. In this case it is an idea. It is a concept that you have to choose to exemplify or not. I choose self-sacrifice because the alternatives are egotistical. Self-sacrifice is the "sacrifice of one's self or interests for others." I am called to lay down my life for my friends. This could cause a lot of aggravation, but in the end the rewards far outweigh any possible earthly negative consequence.

I choose self-sacrifice.

"Why Do I Have To Wear So Many Hats?"

I came across my Heart in Motion by Amy Grant CD recently and the "Hats" song is playing over and over again in my head. I believe I am totally overwhelmed. Currently my "hats" include:

• English teacher at NHA
• Supporter of Mu Kappa events at Taylor University
• UCBC Women's Sunday School Teacher
• DELIGHT Leadership Team Secretary
• Housemate

I shouldn't be overwhelmed--at least that is what my brain is telling me but my spirit says I am. None of these commitments will change because they reflect my priorities to serving God. I do so in everything I'm doing. My entire life is a ministry right now. I believe I am finally feeling overwhelmed because I am being assigned (without any consultation) the task of being "Homeroom teacher at NHA."

That is one too many responsibilities. I can do it but I question whether I can do it to the best of my abilities given that I am also going to be teaching four English classes (one more prep than last year). I have never taught this new class either so the learning curve will be horrible.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I think I just have to let out a huge silent scream into the cosmos and I will be able to handle an added responsibility.

I have to bear in mind that "with Christ's help I can do all things." Christ, with your help, I can do all things.

Return from the Land of Katrina, Cajun food, and the French Quarter

August 1, 2007

I am in NEW ORLEANS! I love it. The city reminds me of Alexandria in many ways: hot, sticky, and dirty but friendly, open, and diverse. The city is rebuilding itself slowly with the help of the citizens and volunteers from around the globe. The city is struggling with the fact that the local and state government had different plans than the residents.

The buildings that haven’t been touched since Katrina are beginning to diminish but they still exist. The apartment building down the street is just one example of how quickly people had to leave to, not escape Katrina, but escape the breaking of the levees. The water lifted the items on the floor up and then rapidly resettled. It was so quick things rose, but the water line didn’t show. Because this apartment building had been condemned, no one has returned and apparently the building owners have decided to cut their losses and leave at least 300 families without their old homes.

The tenants left behind wheelchairs, car seats, mattresses, tables, chairs, dishes, cereal boxes, and other normal, everyday items. Some may have returned for things, but not everybody has returned—there is plenty left behind. Pretty horrible and unreal for the United States of America. Mold is now taking over…


August 3, 2007

I am still in NEW ORLEANS! Back to Wednesdays activities—we then went to the 9th Ward. The levee broke and a barge came through the wall. It wiped out the neighborhood and was flooded. The 9th Ward was full of low-income housing, so the city government went in and bull dozed most of it. There were still houses destroyed by Katrina—one had even settled on top of a car.

Then we visited a cemetery connected to a Catholic Church. The bodies were buried above ground because the water table is above or even with the ground and burial would result in bodies finding their way into the canals and rivers. Some of the cemeteries were for people who lived over 100 years ago. Mothers would sometimes be buried along with several children or with none but at a young age.

We toured the French Quarter. It was quite interesting. It felt even more like a taste of Europe in American than Lewisburg. It looked like a city in France but with beautiful metalworking and mule-drawn carriages. Verandas allowed us to stay mostly dry but then we went through streets that had no upstairs covering and that made for a pretty wet walk.

Cajun food is awesome. It reminds me of Indian food that is flavorful because of a variety of spices (not just salt, pepper, and butter). We ate dinner at an awesome Cajun restaurant that had a live band and allowed us to join in by either dancing or playing (we only danced the chicken dance.) That concluded an awesome half day of New Orleans touring.

New Orleans really does remind me a lot of Alexandria. (I wonder if the French influence in both has anything to do with it!?) The climate is similar but there is something even deeper—the people here care a lot about family and seem secure when their family is safe and nearby but they are also open to outsiders. They have a lot of pride but when forced to they will admit the need for help. They understand the value of work and play and apparently the city itself is open until rather late but then again, some shops close at random times.

The Vietnamese quarter we are staying in seems quite peaceful. Vietnamese people seem relaxed, productive, and settled—they have made a small village inside New Orleans that represents them. I think that it is pretty awesome how comfortably they seem to be able to coexist with other New Orleaners.

Random Thoughts of the Confused

So two more NHA staff have decided to leave. I think that puts the grand total of departing staff in my year and a week at NHA at 10...yup. Ten staff have left in the last year who were around when I arrived. Each of them needed to go for their own reasons, some of them for the betterment of NHA, but some of them to the detrement of NHA. Life goes on and the song "Another one bites the dust" keeps playing in my head but its all cool I guess.

I haven't gotten the things that I wanted to get done done! Time is coming to a close for the Summer term and I still haven't touched my lesson plans. I finally finished my summer Language Arts class materials so I think that will free up time except that I now have another student joining the class and that means more grading.

I don't like being "boss-less." There is no principal. I'm considering submitting a request to fill the position but I haven't finished writing the proposal that tells them why I think I would be good. Another change but it should be a fun challenge if it isn't quite as time consuming since they are talking about restructuring it a bit.

I need a bit more people contact than I currently have. Thank goodness my roommate should arrive in less than a month now. It is just motivating for me to have someone else around to keep things tidy for...I guess I don't motivate myself much to keep things clean...others motivate me because I like keeping things clean for others.

I have a couple of things left to do before I go to watch Hogan's Heroes. My history lessons for the week. And quality time with the Daudt's who I haven't seen since July 4!!!!!!!!!!!

The Law vs. Redemption

I just watched my new favorite movie: Les Miserables. I cried and laughed; was shocked and amazed; was torn apart and put back together; and ultimately learned something about human nature I had never fully understood.

There are people out there (and I've recently had to deal with several of these people) who automatically think they are better than everyone else, whether they know the people they are judging or not, because the people being judged do not live up to a certain standard. They believe so strongly in a law of right behavior that they show no mercy, have no true feelings, and ultimately can't even live up to their own standards (if you've watched the movie you know what I am talking about; if you haven't you will when you finish it). These are the Javerts of the world, and oh they irritate me.

Then there are the people like Jean Valjean who have done something wrong, paid for it by all standards of governmental justice, but are still condemned for past wrongs by the Javerts of the world. They realize that they have done something wrong and the work as hard as they can to atone for it but their past still haunts them because the Javerts of the world continue to remind them of it. The Valjeans of the world are not given a proper chance to demonstrate their reformed attitudes because every action is suspect. The Valjeans of the world are the former prostitutes, convicts, rebels, murderers, tax collectors, sinners who come to realize the errors of their way, seek restitution and redemption, and wish for freedom to overcome their past and truly shine as the new person they have become.

The Javerts of the world continue to pass judgement upon the Valjeans of the world to prove that they are truly superior. These are the hypocrites of Jesus' day who live on into today. They claim to live by a certain standard that they see to be completely accurate but when it comes down to the truth, their standard is far off. It has none of the character of God Himself within it--it has no room for God's mercy, grace, redemption, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, etc.

It is easier to live by a set of self-made rules at times but it makes you into the very person most people try to avoid being.

Pondering Ideas

Today I took a half day due to the fact that I otherwise would have workd about 12 extra hours in the last two weeks. Rather interesting to me. Also, my car required general maintainance for 25,000 miles so it was a great opportunity to duck out and head to Muncie.

Before I headed out I had a half day to work on many different things without anyone around (which sometimes isn't so good for me) but today it was. One of the Aministrative Assistance at work proprosed a rather interesting idea for my immediate future. I laughed and then she explained herself and I thought about it; it sounded interesting.

Then (well, actually about 2 hours later) I left and picked up my friend Kathy. I talked with Kathy and Jim about what the AA had suggested and they said it sounded interesting and that they would pray about it. I said that I was already praying about it because I had already done so several times. We headed to Muncie and ate lunch at Johnny Carino's, I serviced my car, we went shopping at the mall, I ate dinner at her house, we visited some friends from church, we played a game, and I returned home.

On the way home and throughout the day the thought the AA planted in my mind kept reasserting itself. It is so intriguing and it will take considerable prayer but it is something that totally makes sense in my mind if only others could see it besides myself, the AA, Kathy, and Jim. How do I know if this is right or not? Where do I go from here?

Eeeekkk, I've Re-Entered the Rat Race

So...I've been back from Egypt about 5 days. I've been at work 3 days. I've already worked 4.25 hours over what I should with the prabability of 3 more hours by the end of the week. I'm going to take an afternoon off and go do car maintainance and hang out with a friend from church.

Why do things have to be sooooo busy? I enjoyed reading 2.25 Tom Clancy novels, having 2 days of food poisoning, swimming 2 times in the school pool, and seeing the sigts for 2 days in Cairo. I like vacationing a little too much I think.

I do like work. I'm not complaining. I'm praying earnestly for changes to occur that finally put the kids before the money, but I like working with my immediate staff and the kids. I love teaching. I just wish the environment were more Christian in employment matters...my Mammon can pervert that which could be good.

Last week I did keep my resolve to exercise...it is time to assure all the others. The problem is it has been raining and today my neck is hurting. Tomorrow it is supposed to rain again but I'm praying I get to exercise. Everything else will happen as it should :-).

I will relax and keep the heating pad on my neck and relax today so that the rest of the week will be awesome!

I Resolve...

This is by no means indicative of how important these things are to me. They are just in the order by which they came to mind though I have been contemplating many of them for more than this year.

1) To schedule at least 30 min. of exercise three times a week into my routine beyond my normal routine.

2) To stay in contact with the people who I have cared for in some way or another.

3) To spend my money more wisely and begin to save for that which I cannot plan.

4) To restart my former habits in regards to staying close with God.

5) To live with no regrets for what has happened, to live fully in the present, and to prepare for the future.

The middle of the year seems to be a great time to reassess the first half of the year. Here's to the upcoming New Year and finding that I have actually accomplished these five goals to the best of my abilities through Jesus Christ my Savior.

Escapades (Or Lack There Of) In Egypt

Sunday
11:00 AM visited French Wal-Mart, Carrefour
3:00 PM Auntie Gail visits to say good-bye and stays to play Scrabble, I horribly loose

Monday
10:30 AM went to AWA where I drank mango juice that infected me :-(
12:00 PMwent shopping for papyrus and found it :-)

Tuesday
1:30 PM walked through the San Stefano mall and bought nothing
(over the course of the day we watched Batman Begins and Batman Beyond cartoons)

Wednesday
Out of action due to food poisoning.

Thursday
Recouperating and resting for the rest of the time.

What I Have Done So Far In Egypt

Thursday
12:15 AM arrived in Alexandria, unpacked went to bed
Lunchtime ate Musaka...mmmmm
7:00 went to Falcon Night at Schutz

Friday
10:30 AM went to ACC
12:30 PM ate Pizza Hut w/ Brian and family
7:30 PM had dessert w/ Korean neighbors

Saturday
9:30 AM to 1:00 PM family garage sale
2:00 PM read Patriot Games to Lizzy
4:15 PM went to Sarai Market and bought dinner stuff with mom
5:15 PM ate tacos

Everday as people wanted we also played cards. So far we haven't watched any movies but I'm sure that is coming. It is fun to be in a family again for a little bit but I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do.

I like family and I'd love to have the old days back but they are gone and we still function as an amazing family. It is great when we can all get together and I think that will happen in August. It does feel weird being a member of a smaller family right now...I miss six because someone was always doing something interesting.

More later but I want to keep track of what I do!

4 Countries 3 Days

Not many people have been to four countries in three days, but I have. On Monday I was in Canada (I arrived in Canada on Sunday to transport some of our students to our camp up north). We returned to Indiana, USA on Monday into Tuesday. Tuesday I flew from Indianapolis to New York to Paris, France. Wednesday I flew from Paris, France to Cairo, Egypt. I have been to even more cities than that.

Missinabie, Ontario, Canada
Wawa, Ontario, Canada
Gaylord, MI, USA
Marion, IN, USA
Upland, IN, USA
Indianapolis, IN, USA
New York, NY, USA
Paris, France
Cairo, Egypt
Alexandria, Egypt

So, I have been all over and am now going to stay in one country for a few weeks and then return to the US for the rest of the year. Yippee!

Focusing and Organizing

I was exhausted when I returned home from work today. I was with my students the entire time I was working, but they didn't have many questions for me.

I was glad for that because I had to plan an entire semester's worth of Language Arts for a student. It was kind of fun to plan and organize the summer for him around my schedule and our missions trip week and such. I think it is doable and would be equal to the amount of work I would assign for a semester.

Once I got started it was easy to focus. It was hard to get started. I spent about two hours in the morning dreaming about what we could spend money on to make my teaching beter. After lunch I started thinking about what I would like to teach taking into account the student's interests.

I was dealing with a boy so I didn't want to read Pride and Prejudice. I settled on A Child of the King by Bill Bright and The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood. I decided to work on grammar after I return from my summer vacation. The vocabulary for the first book will be self-generated while I am gone and then I'll direct it later on. Writing assignments will work on organizing thoughts.

All of my ideas came together when I went for a bathroom break and I realized that I just needed to start. I started from the end because I knew exactly how I wanted to do that but not the beginning as much. It worked and the plan is done...the details are left. I need to get the student set up tomorrow so he can start working on these assignments on his own while I'm gone.

What is My Climate?

I am usually warm (especially in the spring through fall). I don't get cold that easily. I wonder if one's body comfort level is an indicator of their culture type. Many of my friends who are always warm tend to be always running on the warm side where as those I know who are often cold tend to be from a colder culture.

What do I mean be a cold and warm culture? Well, there is a sweet little book sitting over at the Daudt's that explains it very well, but I will try to summarize because I realize that many of us do not have a lot of time to read everything.

A warm culture tends to focus more on relationship building than scheduling. These are the cultures where you tell someone the time they should leave their house not when you want them to arrive. These are the cultures where sitting on one's porch and talking to everyone you see is a common occurance. Mexico, Egypt, Mali, and Columbia tend to be warm cultures. The Southeast and Southwest tend to be more warm cultured.

A cold culture focuses more on time and scheduling than relationships. The focus is more self-centered on personal advancement and success. Others are often only considered for their possibility for further personal achievement. These are the one's who have a schedule, stick to it no matter what, and bull doze those in their way to achieve their goals. Germany, Japan, Canada, and Finland. The Northeast, East Coast, and West Coast tend to be cold cultures.

I am warm cultured with hints of the cold in me. I grew up mostly in the warm culture of Egypt with a focus on family and relationships but my mother was especially from a cold culture. My father was kind of half and half. So, if I had grown up in the United States I would probably have been 75% cold culture but I grew up in Egypt so I am 75% or more warm culture. I love learning about people and developing deeper relationships but I do like a little structure and time. I like there to be a time set that I choose to break rather than no time at all. That is the cold culture in me. But I am mostly warm and tend to value the relationship above the time that it takes to develop.

"Language is only the instrument of science, and words are but signs of ideas: I wish, however, that the instrument might be less apt to decay, and that signs might be permanent, like the things which they denote."--Samuel Johnson's Dictionary Introduction

Continuing to Remember

I'm in a very reflective mood. One of my good friends from throughout my Taylor years is moving down to the Dominican Republic (ie. the DR). She will be teaching little kids in Santiago. I'm starting to get itchy feet but I know that going abroad is an option for later on whether I stay with New Horizons or move on...

She will be coming back to the States sometime and I know that God will bring her back into my life when I most need her again.

I love that reassurance. God has taken many of my friends from me because they really aren't mine in the long run anyways (they are His Creation) and then He blesses me by putting them back into my life at some future date when I need a reminder of where I have been, am, and will be. I think that is why good-byes are not as hard as they could be. I have the assurance that I will see most of my really good friends either later on in this life or in eternity to come. There is a reassurance and a lack of worry associated with that truth.

I also got to do something I love to do this evening. My three roommates for June are present and accounted for. It is fun to have a full house because it was so quiet with just Hannah K. and I. Now the house is bustling and I do like it. I don't like for there to always be busyness. I like unexpected visitors and noise. At one point there were seven people in the house and it felt fine.

God is so good to me and I so don't deserve it.

Remember, Remember, Remember

Today I went to the Marion National Cemetary with my girls from NHA and another staff member. The service was short and sweet and mentioned "God" an awful lot. During the benediction the man even said "in Jesus' name" to which most everyone responded "Amen."

It was really cool to be in a different environment and see how comfortable people were with mentioning God and even Jesus. The thing is, it wasn't in your face, Bible thumping Christianity and I have seen how receptive people are when you just naturally mention God and Jesus. As long as you don't seem to want something more then they are okay with it...more later. The storm seems to be getting pretty close as the thunder is coming more often and louder.

Why Now God?

Life was fairly normal yesterday. I bought those much needed mattresses. They were delivered the same day for a minimal cost and they are now set up in their rooms (and even fit upstairs as needed). I then hung out with some friends and played games after stopping by Ivanhoes.

Still, I came home around 10:30 and didn't get to bed until 1:40. My memory upgrade that I bought last fall decided to go on the fritz. Now I'm still able to do all the things I like to be able to do, but my computer runs much slower. There seems to be some sort of driver error for the memory upgrade so I've emailed customer service and am seeking their much needed knowledge to solve the problem. I pray that things work out before Tuesday a week from now so that my computer will be fully functional for my trip.

Why can't life be easier? It seems like just as things start to fall into place in one area, they fall apart in another. I know why but it is hard to admit so I'm just going to say it: this world is not my real home. If life here were easy I wouldn't need to have God, heaven, or eternity.

Since life here is hard and not so pleasant I do need to have an ultimate home in heaven through Jesus for eternity. So simple and yet I allow the frustrations of this world to overwhelm me and make me forget that my citizenship is of heaven and thus heaven is my real home not this irritating world I'm sojourning on and in.

Mattresses, Mammon, and Living in the World

Yesterday I went searching for mattresses after eating at my favorite restaurant, Johnny Carino's. I didn't know exactly what to tell the saleswoman because the truth is I don't have all that much money to throw around right now.

How do you tell someone that you are in need of mattresses so that you can have people come and visit when you don't have enough money to buy good mattresses for them? It sounds cheap. It sounds like your pretending to put on a front. It sounds like you don't deserve to have your friends. It sounds like you are a poor financial manager.

I don't like being put in a box but if people know this kind of thing then they usually put you into a box. Providentially this time I don't have to admit that I'm poor and trying to live like I'm wealthier than I am.

I randomly saw a sign at the Dollar store in town a few nights ago when I went with one of my students to pick up some soda. The sign said "Mattresses for Working People" and they quoted $99 for a twin mattress set. I saw the name: Fairmount Mattress.

On my way home from Muncie I went to Fairmount. I looked downtown for this store. I was about ready to give into buying a mattress from the other store and going into debt to do it. On my way out of Fairmount I saw the sign Fairmount Mattress. I looked around for a place to turn around, turned around, headed into the store, and found that they truly had mattresses for $150 less than the other store.

I put off buying immediately. I wanted to talk it through with my friend Kathy who is very good about listening and letting me figure out what is right by every once in a while interjecting a word or two from her 45+ years of experience. Providentially, she had come with me on this outing.

By the time I pulled into the driveway I knew that I would be returning to the store to purchass three mattresses. I am still taking a leap of faith because my computer generated financial program says I don't have the money come July, but I trust that God will work things out and that my computer program is not tracking some important deposit that will come my way.

I will not allow money to dictate what I want to do so I can have visitors and be hospitable. In about half an hour I will be the proud owner of 3 new mattresses (and maybe even some bed frames).

Words Are Never Enough

A friend of mine from my days in Egypt is quickly losing her father to cancer. I read her email about the whole incident so far. The facts: diagnosed in December, rushed to the hospital multiple times, on 24/7 pain relievers, given a week to a month to live as of a few days ago. I hit reply. I sat on the floor at my sweet little house, my fingers hovering over the keyboard waiting for inspiration.

I wanted to say so much but nothing came to mind that would truly express what I wanted to say. I sit here again with the same jumbled thoughts watching the sun travel slowly across the floor, listening to the birds chattering outside, snot running down my nose (allergies are a pain!) My new summer housemate has woken up and is rehashing her late night.

I guess these are the things you say to someone who is facing loss. Life goes on; people partially understand another's loss; but ultimately life goes on and things happen and we cannot communicate the understanding of loss because we are inadequate communicators (if we were adequate we would never fight, argue, misunderstand each other).

Dear friend,

I cannot email you an adequate reply. I cannot say I understand the loss of a parent because mine are still so young. I can imagine it and I dread the moment, but I do not understand it yet. Someday, and God willing a very long time from now, I will understand, but it still won't be perfectly because no one's parents are exactly the same (even sibblings don't know the same parents) so the loss is never exactly the same.

I thank God I am not a counselor and I am just a teacher, because I could never give all the verbal dribble and actually believe it.

Yours in Christ,

Mermy

This is the message I could not send at the time and even then it doesn't seem adequate.

Why Suicide?

I finally realized something very important about how I think: when I am most rebellious, thoughts of suicide enter my head.

The first time I can remember is when I was in high school attending a youth group function. My mom and I had fought just before I attended this event. I left before resolving the conflict and the whole time I was out supposedly having fun I was miserable because I had disobeyed my mother by leaving before resolving the issue. By disobeying my mom, I was disobeying God. I sinned and felt so guilty I walked out onto the youth leaders balcony and thought about how easy it would be to jump off and fall the fifteen stories.

Then I thought about how afraid I would be half way through the fall and how much pain I would feel the moment before I hit the ground. I realized that I did not wish to go that way (and a friend happened to walk out onto the porch and we talked and the urge left.)

Another time I can remember is when I was teaching down in Modoc, IN. I was walking outside of God's will at the time because I was allowing the position to change me. God was fighting for me to allow Him to lead and not my boss and me. But I fought Him. I also kept thinking everday to and from work how easy it would be to crash my car into the telephone poles along the side of the rode.

Everytime the thought of the terror half way through the crash and the pain the instant before death (or injury--though I just assumed I'd die) made me stop. I avoid pain and terror like I avoid conflict--at all costs.

Tonight the thought of running into the opposing traffic came through my head for an instant. Instead of thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't I jumped straight to the questions: why am I thinking of this right now? I realized that it was because I have recently been rebellious at work.

I have allowed the instances of disorganization to make me bitter. I have started to become like those people I really don't like who constantly gossip about the evils of their job. I am in a ministry that has its struggles but also has its moments of glory. I work for and with humans who are beautiful by design but marred by sin.

I need to keep perspective. I need to pray. I need to seek God. I need to listen to Him. I need to focus on the Creator of all things, not my self-created statements. I need prayer; I need God; I need to listen to Him; I need to focus on Him.