Lectio Divina (14th Century Monk Practice of Word Devine)

Read this 3 times and see what stands out to you, but the bold are the phrases that stood out to me and then my response to those phrases follows.

Psalm 42:1-11 The Life Recovery NLT

As the deer pants for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I come and stand before him? Day and night, I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, "Where is this God of yours?"

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks--it was the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again -- my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness-- even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar. I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

“O God my rock,” I cry, “Why have you forsaken me? Why must I wander in darkness, oppressed by my enemies?” Their taunts pierce me like a fatal wound. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again -- my Savior and my God!

My Response

I remember how I used to be. Oh God! My joy was complete. I knew I was where I should be, but then, oh then, my joy became less and less. Darkness descended; deep, deep darkness that shrouded all I did with a gauzy darkness--making even sunny days seem cloudy and rainy. Sadness became my life--fulfillment was lacking. I began to wonder what life was all about--I became discouraged.

But, I am not alone though in the darkness it seems that way. I have You, and though I change, You don't. I do long for You, and when I'm discouraged I am most in NEED of You, but that is when I most turn from You. You are the Living Water that brings hope and satisfies. You are kindness and bring others into my life to turn me towards You--to remind me that I am not alone in the darkness. There is light, and it is You, God.

Another Label

“You are a perfectionist and because of that you are concerned about making mistakes so you painstakingly do every task to your best ability and stress even afterward that it is done right. Is that about it? Being a perfectionist isn’t something you see as being a perfectionist; you see it as doing your job to the best of your ability and worrying that you have not done it well enough or worrying about how it affects others.”--Shelley

I have never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I see it now when defined in this way. Due to the negative view the world has of this characteristic, I think it has taken me a couple of days to come to grips with the accuracy of the label.

I am a perfectionist.

If I cannot do something well (for example, straighten the house) because I don't have the time to do it well, I usually won't do it. I'd prefer to let my room and house look messy for months than to do a shoddy job. Now that I know the term for this I think I can work with it for the benefit of me and others.

God does not expect perfection from me, so why should I expect it from myself. He just wants us to act and live in a manner pleasing to Him and allow our imperfections to be opportunities for His glory to shine. By trying to do things perfectly, I am hindering His opportunities for glory. With that said, I guess I should go straighten the house for as long as I can stay focused on that task.

God, Why Build Relationships?

Why do I have this need to relate to others? Why do I invest in friendships wherever I go? Why can't I just be a hermit--be "an island" that only worries about itself and takes care of itself without regard for those islands around it? Why do relationships have to hurt so much and take so much out of you while still putting so much into you? Why do I care about others?

I don't need anyone's answers to these questions because I intellectually know the answers. I was created to be in relationship with God and therefore with others. I enjoy being involved in other people's lives and getting to know them. I am not built to be a permanent hermit. Pain is a part of personal and relational growth. Care for others shows maturity.

Those are the pat, intellectual anwers, but they don't negate the very real emotional turmoil that occurs each time someone's island bumps into my own and makes a lasting positive impact upon my island. My person, my island, must look like the moon with its vast craters because so many people have bounced into my island and left a permanent imprint, but they are no longer bodily visible. The crater remains an echo of the body that once was involved with my life.

I am a cratered island.

The following is a list of other islands that have crashed into my island and made a lasting crater. I wish to acknowledge their impact and let it be remembered through all time. My craters have been made by Amy N, Timmy S, Trevor D, Nardeen F, Afsaneh A, Mary Lou G, Astha R, Poushali M, Jennifer M-L, Serena C, Rachel R-W, Diana S, Sanjna & Shalini T, Ruth dH, Renae T, Elizabeth M, Rebekah D-S, Kristen S, Rebecca V-M, Mandy W-C, Sarah K-S, Kristen N, Rachel O, April V, Dan P, Liz P, Elizabeth G, Katie MC, Erica, Joyce W, Sarah D, Joy B, Regan H, Sheryl & Brian B, Leslie S, Elissa B, Jesse K, Ian N, & Katie H. There are many more crater creating island people but I can't recall all of them.

I am a cratered island whose crater-causers often re-impress their imprint upon their craters (ie. I often cross paths with them unexpectedly). Sometimes I wish I weren't such an imprintable island but then I wouldn't be living and life is painful but well worth it.

Finding JOY (and PEACE)

This weekend has been awesome and its only half way through. I realize that I really am enjoying life and finding peace even when things around me seem to be crazy. It truly is odd.

Life is not easy right now. Work is highly stressful, finances are extra tight, church is struggling, and spiritual growth is painful. Even though none of this is "easy" I am still finding joy and peace. It is awesome.

Joy is the little smile from a depressed student as they understand an academic or life quandary; joy is a small child laughing after hurting herself because you pulled your hoody over your head and "hid"; joy is walking into a room and seeing your little sister has chosen to attend the same event as you without any foreknowledge; joy is walking to the mailbox to check it and running into two of your friends who later on need a place to eat their pizza and hang out (ie. your house!); joy is playing outside with some little girls and using your imagination to create a chalk castle on the driveway; and joy is helping a friend bake cookies by supplying music and conversation.

Joy is found in the little things, and when these little things are appreciated, peace comes, too. Peace is the assurance that finding joy in the little things amongst the tumult of life means that you are where you should be and God is truly using you. Both joy and peace are a blessing from God that you can choose to accept, or reject. Accepting these blessings allows for more to come!