Focusing and Organizing

I was exhausted when I returned home from work today. I was with my students the entire time I was working, but they didn't have many questions for me.

I was glad for that because I had to plan an entire semester's worth of Language Arts for a student. It was kind of fun to plan and organize the summer for him around my schedule and our missions trip week and such. I think it is doable and would be equal to the amount of work I would assign for a semester.

Once I got started it was easy to focus. It was hard to get started. I spent about two hours in the morning dreaming about what we could spend money on to make my teaching beter. After lunch I started thinking about what I would like to teach taking into account the student's interests.

I was dealing with a boy so I didn't want to read Pride and Prejudice. I settled on A Child of the King by Bill Bright and The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood. I decided to work on grammar after I return from my summer vacation. The vocabulary for the first book will be self-generated while I am gone and then I'll direct it later on. Writing assignments will work on organizing thoughts.

All of my ideas came together when I went for a bathroom break and I realized that I just needed to start. I started from the end because I knew exactly how I wanted to do that but not the beginning as much. It worked and the plan is done...the details are left. I need to get the student set up tomorrow so he can start working on these assignments on his own while I'm gone.

What is My Climate?

I am usually warm (especially in the spring through fall). I don't get cold that easily. I wonder if one's body comfort level is an indicator of their culture type. Many of my friends who are always warm tend to be always running on the warm side where as those I know who are often cold tend to be from a colder culture.

What do I mean be a cold and warm culture? Well, there is a sweet little book sitting over at the Daudt's that explains it very well, but I will try to summarize because I realize that many of us do not have a lot of time to read everything.

A warm culture tends to focus more on relationship building than scheduling. These are the cultures where you tell someone the time they should leave their house not when you want them to arrive. These are the cultures where sitting on one's porch and talking to everyone you see is a common occurance. Mexico, Egypt, Mali, and Columbia tend to be warm cultures. The Southeast and Southwest tend to be more warm cultured.

A cold culture focuses more on time and scheduling than relationships. The focus is more self-centered on personal advancement and success. Others are often only considered for their possibility for further personal achievement. These are the one's who have a schedule, stick to it no matter what, and bull doze those in their way to achieve their goals. Germany, Japan, Canada, and Finland. The Northeast, East Coast, and West Coast tend to be cold cultures.

I am warm cultured with hints of the cold in me. I grew up mostly in the warm culture of Egypt with a focus on family and relationships but my mother was especially from a cold culture. My father was kind of half and half. So, if I had grown up in the United States I would probably have been 75% cold culture but I grew up in Egypt so I am 75% or more warm culture. I love learning about people and developing deeper relationships but I do like a little structure and time. I like there to be a time set that I choose to break rather than no time at all. That is the cold culture in me. But I am mostly warm and tend to value the relationship above the time that it takes to develop.

"Language is only the instrument of science, and words are but signs of ideas: I wish, however, that the instrument might be less apt to decay, and that signs might be permanent, like the things which they denote."--Samuel Johnson's Dictionary Introduction

Continuing to Remember

I'm in a very reflective mood. One of my good friends from throughout my Taylor years is moving down to the Dominican Republic (ie. the DR). She will be teaching little kids in Santiago. I'm starting to get itchy feet but I know that going abroad is an option for later on whether I stay with New Horizons or move on...

She will be coming back to the States sometime and I know that God will bring her back into my life when I most need her again.

I love that reassurance. God has taken many of my friends from me because they really aren't mine in the long run anyways (they are His Creation) and then He blesses me by putting them back into my life at some future date when I need a reminder of where I have been, am, and will be. I think that is why good-byes are not as hard as they could be. I have the assurance that I will see most of my really good friends either later on in this life or in eternity to come. There is a reassurance and a lack of worry associated with that truth.

I also got to do something I love to do this evening. My three roommates for June are present and accounted for. It is fun to have a full house because it was so quiet with just Hannah K. and I. Now the house is bustling and I do like it. I don't like for there to always be busyness. I like unexpected visitors and noise. At one point there were seven people in the house and it felt fine.

God is so good to me and I so don't deserve it.

Remember, Remember, Remember

Today I went to the Marion National Cemetary with my girls from NHA and another staff member. The service was short and sweet and mentioned "God" an awful lot. During the benediction the man even said "in Jesus' name" to which most everyone responded "Amen."

It was really cool to be in a different environment and see how comfortable people were with mentioning God and even Jesus. The thing is, it wasn't in your face, Bible thumping Christianity and I have seen how receptive people are when you just naturally mention God and Jesus. As long as you don't seem to want something more then they are okay with it...more later. The storm seems to be getting pretty close as the thunder is coming more often and louder.

Why Now God?

Life was fairly normal yesterday. I bought those much needed mattresses. They were delivered the same day for a minimal cost and they are now set up in their rooms (and even fit upstairs as needed). I then hung out with some friends and played games after stopping by Ivanhoes.

Still, I came home around 10:30 and didn't get to bed until 1:40. My memory upgrade that I bought last fall decided to go on the fritz. Now I'm still able to do all the things I like to be able to do, but my computer runs much slower. There seems to be some sort of driver error for the memory upgrade so I've emailed customer service and am seeking their much needed knowledge to solve the problem. I pray that things work out before Tuesday a week from now so that my computer will be fully functional for my trip.

Why can't life be easier? It seems like just as things start to fall into place in one area, they fall apart in another. I know why but it is hard to admit so I'm just going to say it: this world is not my real home. If life here were easy I wouldn't need to have God, heaven, or eternity.

Since life here is hard and not so pleasant I do need to have an ultimate home in heaven through Jesus for eternity. So simple and yet I allow the frustrations of this world to overwhelm me and make me forget that my citizenship is of heaven and thus heaven is my real home not this irritating world I'm sojourning on and in.

Mattresses, Mammon, and Living in the World

Yesterday I went searching for mattresses after eating at my favorite restaurant, Johnny Carino's. I didn't know exactly what to tell the saleswoman because the truth is I don't have all that much money to throw around right now.

How do you tell someone that you are in need of mattresses so that you can have people come and visit when you don't have enough money to buy good mattresses for them? It sounds cheap. It sounds like your pretending to put on a front. It sounds like you don't deserve to have your friends. It sounds like you are a poor financial manager.

I don't like being put in a box but if people know this kind of thing then they usually put you into a box. Providentially this time I don't have to admit that I'm poor and trying to live like I'm wealthier than I am.

I randomly saw a sign at the Dollar store in town a few nights ago when I went with one of my students to pick up some soda. The sign said "Mattresses for Working People" and they quoted $99 for a twin mattress set. I saw the name: Fairmount Mattress.

On my way home from Muncie I went to Fairmount. I looked downtown for this store. I was about ready to give into buying a mattress from the other store and going into debt to do it. On my way out of Fairmount I saw the sign Fairmount Mattress. I looked around for a place to turn around, turned around, headed into the store, and found that they truly had mattresses for $150 less than the other store.

I put off buying immediately. I wanted to talk it through with my friend Kathy who is very good about listening and letting me figure out what is right by every once in a while interjecting a word or two from her 45+ years of experience. Providentially, she had come with me on this outing.

By the time I pulled into the driveway I knew that I would be returning to the store to purchass three mattresses. I am still taking a leap of faith because my computer generated financial program says I don't have the money come July, but I trust that God will work things out and that my computer program is not tracking some important deposit that will come my way.

I will not allow money to dictate what I want to do so I can have visitors and be hospitable. In about half an hour I will be the proud owner of 3 new mattresses (and maybe even some bed frames).

Words Are Never Enough

A friend of mine from my days in Egypt is quickly losing her father to cancer. I read her email about the whole incident so far. The facts: diagnosed in December, rushed to the hospital multiple times, on 24/7 pain relievers, given a week to a month to live as of a few days ago. I hit reply. I sat on the floor at my sweet little house, my fingers hovering over the keyboard waiting for inspiration.

I wanted to say so much but nothing came to mind that would truly express what I wanted to say. I sit here again with the same jumbled thoughts watching the sun travel slowly across the floor, listening to the birds chattering outside, snot running down my nose (allergies are a pain!) My new summer housemate has woken up and is rehashing her late night.

I guess these are the things you say to someone who is facing loss. Life goes on; people partially understand another's loss; but ultimately life goes on and things happen and we cannot communicate the understanding of loss because we are inadequate communicators (if we were adequate we would never fight, argue, misunderstand each other).

Dear friend,

I cannot email you an adequate reply. I cannot say I understand the loss of a parent because mine are still so young. I can imagine it and I dread the moment, but I do not understand it yet. Someday, and God willing a very long time from now, I will understand, but it still won't be perfectly because no one's parents are exactly the same (even sibblings don't know the same parents) so the loss is never exactly the same.

I thank God I am not a counselor and I am just a teacher, because I could never give all the verbal dribble and actually believe it.

Yours in Christ,

Mermy

This is the message I could not send at the time and even then it doesn't seem adequate.

Why Suicide?

I finally realized something very important about how I think: when I am most rebellious, thoughts of suicide enter my head.

The first time I can remember is when I was in high school attending a youth group function. My mom and I had fought just before I attended this event. I left before resolving the conflict and the whole time I was out supposedly having fun I was miserable because I had disobeyed my mother by leaving before resolving the issue. By disobeying my mom, I was disobeying God. I sinned and felt so guilty I walked out onto the youth leaders balcony and thought about how easy it would be to jump off and fall the fifteen stories.

Then I thought about how afraid I would be half way through the fall and how much pain I would feel the moment before I hit the ground. I realized that I did not wish to go that way (and a friend happened to walk out onto the porch and we talked and the urge left.)

Another time I can remember is when I was teaching down in Modoc, IN. I was walking outside of God's will at the time because I was allowing the position to change me. God was fighting for me to allow Him to lead and not my boss and me. But I fought Him. I also kept thinking everday to and from work how easy it would be to crash my car into the telephone poles along the side of the rode.

Everytime the thought of the terror half way through the crash and the pain the instant before death (or injury--though I just assumed I'd die) made me stop. I avoid pain and terror like I avoid conflict--at all costs.

Tonight the thought of running into the opposing traffic came through my head for an instant. Instead of thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't I jumped straight to the questions: why am I thinking of this right now? I realized that it was because I have recently been rebellious at work.

I have allowed the instances of disorganization to make me bitter. I have started to become like those people I really don't like who constantly gossip about the evils of their job. I am in a ministry that has its struggles but also has its moments of glory. I work for and with humans who are beautiful by design but marred by sin.

I need to keep perspective. I need to pray. I need to seek God. I need to listen to Him. I need to focus on the Creator of all things, not my self-created statements. I need prayer; I need God; I need to listen to Him; I need to focus on Him.